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Bending your boundaries is a self-sabotaging behaviour

Love is a powerful and beautiful force that can bring immense joy and fulfillment to our lives. However, when love becomes entangled within a trauma bond, it can create a web of confusion, pain, and suffering. This is often seen in trauma bonding, where you might find yourself trapped in a cycle of emotional turmoil and uncertainty. One of the most crucial aspects of breaking free from this destructive cycle is the establishment of clear and healthy boundaries. In this blog, I'll walk you through why boundaries are essential especially if you have experienced trauma bonding or toxic relationships and why neglecting them can be a self-sabotaging behaviour.

Understanding Trauma Bonding Before delving into the significance of boundaries in trauma-bonded relationships, it's important to understand what this relationship actually involves. Trauma bonding occurs when you form a strong emotional connection with someone who has inflicted emotional, physical, or psychological harm towards you - and despite of this pain, you still feel love for them. This bond can be challenging to break because it combines intense feelings of love and attachment with feelings of fear, control, and manipulation.

Why Boundaries Matter

  1. Preserving Emotional Well-being: Trauma bonding involves a power imbalance where one person exerts control over the other. Establishing boundaries is a way to protect your emotional well-being and assert your autonomy. Without boundaries, you risk further emotional damage and a continuing cycle of abuse.

  2. Creating Space for Healing: Healing from trauma requires a safe and nurturing environment. Boundaries are like the fences around a garden; they keep out the weeds and protect the delicate flowers. In trauma bonding or a toxic relationship, setting boundaries creates the space necessary for personal growth and recovery.

  3. Breaking the Cycle: Trauma bonded relationships tend to repeat patterns of dysfunction. Boundaries disrupt these patterns, signalling that you're no longer willing to participate in the toxic dynamics. This can be the first step towards breaking free from the cycle of abuse.

  4. Reclaiming Your Identity: In such relationships, individuals often lose their sense of self. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is an act of self-empowerment. It helps you reconnect with your values, desires, and personal boundaries, enabling you to rebuild your identity.

The Consequences of Ignoring Boundaries: The real self-sabotaging behaviour Although boundaries may feel difficult to enforce because you're experiencing so much fear and threat around "what would happen if you did have that boundary" and you fear losing this relationship (all in the throes of trauma bonding), the truth is: Not having a boundary is a self-sabotaging behaviour. Bending boundaries, although may "feel better" temporarily, actually leads to:

  1. Reinforcing Harmful Patterns: Without boundaries, you allow the abusive behaviour to continue unchecked. This not only reinforces the cycle of abuse but can lead to even more significant emotional and psychological harm.

  2. Diminishing Self-Worth: By failing to set boundaries, you signal to yourself and others that your needs and feelings are unimportant. This can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to break free from the trauma bond.

  3. Perpetuating the Illusion of Control: Trauma bonding often involve a power struggle where one person maintains control. Ignoring boundaries perpetuates this illusion of control, making it seem as though you have no agency in the relationship.

  4. Delaying Healing: Healing from trauma is a challenging journey that requires time and effort. Neglecting boundaries can delay this healing process, leaving you trapped in a state of emotional turmoil.

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

  1. Self-awareness: Understand your needs, triggers, and limits. This self-awareness is the foundation for setting effective boundaries.

  2. Communication: Clearly communicate your boundaries to the other person. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing.

  3. Consistency: Maintain your boundaries consistently. It's essential to uphold them even when faced with resistance or pushback.

  4. Seek Support: Enlist the help of a therapist or support group to navigate the complexities of trauma-bonded relationships and boundary setting.

If you've experienced trauma bonding, boundaries are not just a nice-to-have; they are a lifeline to healing and freedom. Failing to establish and maintain boundaries can be a significant self-sabotaging behaviour, perpetuating the cycle of abuse and hindering your personal growth. Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-love and empowerment. It's a crucial step toward breaking free from the chains of trauma and reclaiming your life. If you or someone you know is in a trauma-bonded relationship, seek help and support, and remember that healing is possible with the right boundaries in place.

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